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Why Do We Chase Emotionally Unavailable Men and Women?

I remember the deep feeling and knowing he wasn’t for me, yet I was scared to leave, to start over.

Thoughts like, “Why does this keep happening to me, I don’t want to start all over again, Why do I keep feeling like what I have to say doesn't matter, Am I ever going to find someone that I don’t have to fix, Am I the problem?"


Before we continue, let's explain what it looks like to be with an emotionally unavailable person.

Have you ever felt misunderstood or pushed aside, like what you had to say was wrong and didn’t matter?

When dating an emotionally unavailable person, our worth gets tested. The red flags start showing up and we begin to feel being belittled, unheard, pushed aside, or called crazy for sharing how we feel.

When being in this type of relationship, it’s hard to see if the person is good for us. We’re so consumed by the idea of them being “the one” and finally being loved that all the red flags are shoved to the side. Thoughts like “I don’t want to say how I truly feel because they won’t accept me” is a constant thought pattern. We fall in the trap of pretending we like something just to please them, changing who we are in fear of rejection or abandonment.

Why do we accept this, why do we stay in the first place?

When we are kids, someone along the way made us feel like our emotions didn't matter. Either our parents pushing us aside when we needed them or being shut down when showing our personality. Someone made us feel less than, pushed aside, belittled, unimportant, or even abandoned.

Who made you believe you were not good enough?

Even though painful to be in a toxic relationship, we end up choosing what we believe we deserve. I understood in my own healing, that I was trying to change men, fix them, to feel like I was good enough if they changed for me. I understood that my inner child was seeking to change men, just how I wished I could change my father. All my toxic behaviors reflected my deep pain from my dad leaving me as a child, having me believe I wasn't good enough to be loved.

After going inward and seeing my patterns, I understood my toxicity going into relationships. I was unwilling to be vulnerable because I thought that eventually, whoever I was dating would leave me. It became an addictive cycle living a double life, of pretending to be strong but inside being afraid and insecure.

This is why, to stop a toxic relationship cycle, we need to start healing ourselves. Healing the parts of us that believe they’re not good enough for someone to stay and treat us well.

You might be asking, “how do I start?”

Start listening to the thoughts of judgment, what do you tell yourself when in a relationship? Do you look for someone broken because you feel that's what you deserve? What are the thoughts saying?

Once you identify the thoughts, the next step is to track them down to any childhood resentments.

Who made you believe you’re not good enough? What did they say? Did they leave? Allow yourself to feel the pain, knowing it’s the first step towards healing.

After identifying the person who caused this core belief, begin to practice rewiring the thought pattern. Start asking yourself questions like, What would I want to believe about myself, away from this negative belief? What do I want for my life?

Rewiring means replacing the toxic thoughts with the ones you want to start believing. Going from “I’m not enough” to “My worth is not determined by someone’s love."

After the rewiring starts to happen, changing your lifestyle is the final step. Are you surrounding yourself with people and habits that drain you? What hobbies bring you happiness? What needs to be replaced?

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